For those of you who haven’t heard…I’m growing another tiny human!!! We’re officially 11 weeks and we couldn’t be more excited! Announcing the news to everyone was both exciting and scary for me…
You see, my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our last baby right before Christmas 2016. We were ELATED! Our due date was going to be in August. We were dreaming of our two babies playing together in the summer and fall and already re-arranging the nursery in our minds. Our incredibly full hearts…broke a month later when we found out our precious little one was no longer growing and had no heartbeat. For our full story, click here- baby-grower.com/2017/01/14/the-silent-struggle-our-story-of-miscarriage/ To summarize, it was one of the most difficult things either of us had been through, emotionally, mentally, physically for me, and spiritually. We knew though, that we had so much to be thankful for and we had to keep taking steps forward one day at a time. While we will never forget our second baby, we have come to peace that they are with Jesus and we will see him or her one day again.
Fast forward to now…just a handful of months later and we have a healthy growing little babe making my pants too tight, making me crave weird foods, and kicking my butt! While usually pregnancy is full of JOY, EXCITEMENT, and positive thoughts of the future, I’m not going to lie…it’s been a struggle for me. I explained it one day as feeling like I have “PTSD” from my last pregnancy. I vividly remember the ultrasound that revealed no baby, the cold room we waited in for the final diagnosis, the blood draws, the tears…oh the thousands of tears. I remember the pills I had to take to help my body “process” the remaining fetal tissue and placenta…the cramps, the blood, the clots, the tears… I felt “unwomanly”. I felt like I failed even though I didn’t know what happened. I was angry, devastated, confused. Going through something like that is hard to recover fully from. And to be honest, it’s hard to forget.
It was really hard for me to be 100% excited when we found out we were pregnant again. We didn’t tell anyone, not even our families until we had multiple blood tests to confirm, and even then I hesitated. It was a protective mechanism. If I’m not super excited about this pregnancy and I just treat it like an every day ordinary occurrence, it won’t hurt as bad if/when we lose it. Now, I obviously know this isn’t the healthiest mindset to have, but it was my reality. I prayed through this, WE prayed through this. My husband and I shared our fears and concerns with each other as well as our excitements. I am SO blessed to have such an incredible man to keep me accountable in my mindset. He is always there for me whether I need someone to listen or someone to snap me out of my negative nancy attitude. So thankful for Him.
Then the day for our ultrasound came….I was nervous ALL. DAY. I kept preparing myself for the worst…Our first ultrasound with our last baby was when everything fell apart. I will never forget that day down to the smallest detail. So, sitting in a similar room under similar circumstances…was incredibly scary for me.
The ultrasound tech was sweet with the nicest smile. “Congratulations on your baby you guys! Now, let’s get some pictures of your little nugget, shall we?” She tells us as I lie down on the table and she squirts the warm jelly on my slightly rounded belly. My eyes were fixed on the monitor. I knew what I was looking for… The monitor lights up, my husband is tightly squeezing my left hand as we watch… and we all get the biggest smile on our faces when we see our little bambino waving it’s arms around and it’s perfect beautiful little heart beating away at a strong 170 beats per minute.
I CAN BREATHE AGAIN… This was the FIRST time I let myself TRULY get excited about this pregnancy. “We’re having a baby!!!” A giddily say to my hubs! He smiles and nods. We were so relieved that we were looking at our sweet rainbow baby. <3
I share this story with you guys because going through a miscarriage gave me such a different and real perspective into infertility issues. I felt the pain nearly 50% of women go through in their pregnancy difficulties. Unfortunately, for many people it’s considered a taboo topic…It’s such an intimate, unexplainable heartache that most don’t even know how to talk about it. How can you love something so much and be so heartbroken when it’s taken away when it was the size of a sesame seed or a green pea and only existed for a month or two? The pain… it’s very REAL. The struggle…sometimes lifelong. And the healthy babies that come after…they’re AWESOME! BUT…even those pregnancies are a growing process for the mama and papa who are learning to be excited again, how to love their angel baby, hold onto their memory, and let it be so they can process and be engaged in preparation for the next to come.
For any of you mama’s out there who cry with every pregnancy announcement you see, waiting for when it will be your turn…For those of you struggling and who have been struggling for years with infertility…for those of you who have angel babies in heaven and know this pain all too well. My heart goes out to you. You are STRONG. You are BEAUTIFUL. You are SO LOVED By your Creator. Every tear you’ve cried has been counted. Your story MATTERS. I can’t tell you why these things happen. I know there are no words I can say to make your pain go away. But I do know that we have a God who unconditionally loves each and every one of us, who cries when we cry and will move heaven and earth for His relationship with You. Trust Him, seek comfort from Him, and love Him. Watch as He turns your story of devastation into something more beautiful and powerful than you could ever dream of.
And as for you baby #3 growing like a weed inside of me. I love you so much and cannot wait to meet you and spend forever being your mama. 🙂